My husband and I rewrote “The Twelve Days of Christmas” for your holiday enjoyment.

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On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me

A whining four-year-old boy.

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On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me

Two bossy six-year-olds

And a whining four-year-old boy.

***

One the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me

Three houseguests,

Two bossy six-year-olds,

And a whining four-year-old boy.

***

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me

Four crowded malls,

Three houseguests,

Two bossy six-year-olds,

And a whining four-year-old boy.

***

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me

Five unwrapped gifts,

Four crowded malls,

Three houseguests,

Two bossy six-year-olds,

And a whining four-year-old boy.

***

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me

Six kids a-screaming,

Five unwrapped gifts,

Four crowded malls,

Three houseguests,

Two bossy six-year-olds,

And a whining four-year-old boy.

***

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me

Seven shoppers macing,

Six kids a-screaming,

Five unwrapped gifts,

Four crowded malls,

Three houseguests,

Two bossy six-year-olds,

And a whining four-year-old boy.

***

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me

Eight ornaments breaking,

Seven shoppers macing,

Six kids a-screaming,

Five unwrapped gifts,

Four crowded malls,

Three houseguests,

Two bossy six-year-olds,

And a whining four-year-old boy.

***

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me

Nine candles dripping,

Eight ornaments breaking,

Seven shoppers macing,

Six kids a-screaming,

Five unwrapped gifts,

Four crowded malls,

Three houseguests,

Two bossy six-year-olds,

And a whining four-year-old boy.

***

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me

Ten latkes burning,

Nine candles dripping,

Eight ornaments breaking,

Seven shoppers macing,

Six kids a-screaming,

Five unwrapped gifts,

Four crowded malls,

Three houseguests,

Two bossy six-year-olds,

And a whining four-year-old boy.

***

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me

Eleven lights a-shorting,

Ten latkes burning,

Nine candles dripping,

Eight ornaments breaking,

Seven shoppers macing,

Six kids a-screaming,

Five unwrapped gifts,

Four crowded malls,

Three houseguests,

Two bossy six-year-olds,

And a whining four-year-old boy.

***

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me

Twelve minutes resting,

Eleven lights a-shorting,

Ten latkes burning,

Nine candles dripping,

Eight ornaments breaking,

Seven shoppers macing,

Six kids a-screaming,

Five unwrapped gifts,

Four crowded malls,

Three houseguests,

Two bossy six-year-olds,

And a whining four-year-old boy.

***

Happy Hanukkah, Blessed Yule, Happy Human Day, Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanzaa, Joyous Saturnalia, and Happy New Year!